For three years, Astyn Findlay was a victim, a “battered woman”.

Those are her own words as she speaks out, waiving her right to anonymity after her ex was convicted last week of multiple counts of assault on Astyn and another former partner.

When she met Lawrence Barilli, Astyn was just 17 and he was 26. They shared a workplace and he offered her lifts home. He seemed charming and lovely.

But over the course of their three-year relationship, he subjected her to relentless emotional and physical abuse, terrifying and manipulating her.

“He said things that should never be said to any human, about me, about the life I was carrying,” Astyn, now 26, exclusively told the Post.

“There was times I wished myself dead, hoping he’d actually finally finish me. They were the darkest days of my life. Living with a horrible bully, I’d lost my support network bit by bit, had my mind warped against them until I had nobody and I was stuck.

“My confidence was taken. Any form of a normal life was taken. I called police numerous times, hid bruises more times than I can count. I wore hats to cover the chunks of hair ripped from my head.

“I was scared – he left me feeling like he was the only person I had. He left me feeling suicidal. He took all my finances and means of escape away.

“I was kicked, punched, spat on and called the most horrendous names. I was subjected to taunts, mental and emotional abuse. I was brainwashed into thinking it was all my fault.

“And to some degree I hoped he would change.”

But Barilli didn’t change and he was convicted of assaulting a second partner as well. Charges of rape were found not proven by a jury.

Astyn said the torture finally stopped when she realised Barilli went too far and she had to escape with her child. She called a friend, met her in town and the relationship was over.

And she went to police when her daughter overheard Barilli shouting at another partner, and Astyn wanted to stop anyone else suffering as she had.

She is now married to husband Andrew and is a mother to three more children with him, but she is still haunted by her relationship with Barilli.

“Speaking to Rape Crisis really helped me realise the extent of what happened to me,” she said.

“I have been through numerous therapies and medications. I have self-harmed in a bid to forget, but that only helped temporarily.

“I still apologise to my husband about the smallest things, even though he is nothing like Lawrence – he is very chilled and relaxed about everything really.

“I still wreck my brain with guilt and blame myself for going back to Lawrence and, to be honest, it makes me hate myself – exactly what Lawrence wanted.

“It’s something I’ll probably never get over.”

The trial at the High Court in Glasgow was heard in a month where there have been daily reports in the news about hundreds of incidents of sexual abuse, assault and rape by high-powered men in Hollywood.

Asytn, who lives in Inverclyde, said the #MeToo trend on social media, where victims have spoken up for the first time, has been a boost.

“These stories in the press are amazing to hear,” she said. “It’s amazing that the taboo of sexual abuse is being broken and more people are coming forward.

“The #MeToo campaign I find truly amazing, giving victims a place to voice their experience and everyone coming together – it’s very empowering.

“I want to let others know there is a way out. You can press charges years down the line. You can take your life back.”

“I think the victims are slowly changing perceptions. I think more people than ever have stopped victim shaming and instead started placing the blame with the perpetrator and quite rightly.”

Astyn admitted it has taken time to recover from the abuse, gradually realising her husband Andrew was something she had missed for so long: a support network.

“Oh, I was a nightmare when I first met Andrew,” she said. “He was so patient and helped me rebuild my entire life.

“He encourages me to do things Lawrence never allowed me to do.”

Astyn said she wanted to waive her legal right to anonymity and speak out to help others. She recommends abused partners stash money away with someone they trust, create a plan – to have an option, as hard and as scary as it is to leave.

“Know your worth,” she said. “You have spent however long being ripped to shreds, dignity and pride taken from you. But please believe you’re worth more. You are entitled to love and happiness.

“But the most important thing for anyone in any walk of life that is struggling, is to reach out, tell someone and don’t suffer in silence.”

Barilli will be sentenced later this month and Astyn, who knows she’ll never get an apology, fears he will avoid jail time.

“This man is a calculated, evil, prolific woman abuser,” she said. “I wonder everyday how another human can be so disgusting towards another.

“But all I can do is raise my kids to know that bullying is unacceptable in any form, especially not towards those you love.”

If you need help, contact Clydebank Women's Aid on 0141 952 8118.